Today I am sitting at work and I came to the realization that all of my life I had been searching for something to impress myself. I don't know if it makes any sense to say that it was all in vain, but the truth is, it was. I have spent so much time on a quest that I realized I had neglected to satisfy even my basic needs and demands. I put my interests behind a veil of delusion and approval seeking and I realize now that it is time to stop.
For as long as is recorded, I have been spouting off words of grandeur and a future that is going to be so outstanding that it will make even the most successful people seem like slackers. I was going to be the next big thing and I was not afraid of who I told and what they would think of me once I said what I thought. I was on a fast track to disappointment, but curse you if you ever told me that.
This all changed when I started to realize that all the effort I had put into this image and all this energy I put in to trying to prove things to the outside world and myself had all been a big waste. I do think that every even in life has a purpose and every "mistake" is anything but. It is safe to say that my life hasn't been wasted but the energy itself has been wasted. Realize now that it is OK to be where I am at in this point of my life. A realization that feels AMAZING.
Maybe I am not married. So what if I am broke? Maybe I don't have a good job. And Who cares that I am not some prestigious title as some of my peers and family are. I am me. I am the best me I can be. I am here and I am not going anywhere. I found through soul searching lately, that each and every moment in your life is leading you somewhere and it gives you exactly what you need to be complete. It is simply stated that it is proven to be the ideal moment because it is the moment you are currently in. A simple thought, but true.
I am quite sure that my future is going to be a good one. I know that it will be full of ups and downs. The key to it is, if I enjoy the moment, even the bad ones, I will be able to understand what life is all about.
It's like the song says, "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there ya have, the facts of life"
Blessed be.
Sarah
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
When it matters
When it matters
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
"
It is for you, just in case you are reading this. Much love.
"
My insecurity only matched by my zest for life.
My thoughts race
Stuck in the middle between ecstasy and madness
I am not even sure of what I am after.
Alive in the moment.
Smiling frantic as your mind aches.
I am that girl
My actions cause a mix of love and hate.
Even so you can't give me up.
I eat at you like an addiction
So manic so timid.
Enigmatic to the bone
You can't believe it has been ten years.
My next move a mystery
Your reaction is all but scripted.
We do this dance seemingly unaware of each other.
We never miss a step.
Dodging bullets that could break us
We still aim true every time.
I am not the girl you remember
You the same evermore.
Predict the end of this crazy ride
Spirutual as I am I don't think it possible to say.
We prove them wrong everytime.
Take my crazy as your own
Find insanity a welcomed friend.
I take your sensibilities and run.
And I shall see you when it matters.
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
"
It is for you, just in case you are reading this. Much love.
"
My insecurity only matched by my zest for life.
My thoughts race
Stuck in the middle between ecstasy and madness
I am not even sure of what I am after.
Alive in the moment.
Smiling frantic as your mind aches.
I am that girl
My actions cause a mix of love and hate.
Even so you can't give me up.
I eat at you like an addiction
So manic so timid.
Enigmatic to the bone
You can't believe it has been ten years.
My next move a mystery
Your reaction is all but scripted.
We do this dance seemingly unaware of each other.
We never miss a step.
Dodging bullets that could break us
We still aim true every time.
I am not the girl you remember
You the same evermore.
Predict the end of this crazy ride
Spirutual as I am I don't think it possible to say.
We prove them wrong everytime.
Take my crazy as your own
Find insanity a welcomed friend.
I take your sensibilities and run.
And I shall see you when it matters.
Isn't it romantic
Isn't it romantic?
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
Isn't it funny how far I have come.
If you would have told me the details
I would try to prove you wrong.
I know that I said I wanted to be with you
I wasn't prepared for what that would entail.
I was naive full of insane aparitions.
The wedding would be lovely and lavish.
Our nights would be passionate and never ending.
Our children would go to the finest schools.
We would die hand in hand.
Years went by and I never waivered in my plight.
I deserve a nobel prize for all the faith I put in you.
The moment of truth came upon me as I went in for the attack.
To tell the truth, I wasn't suprised when you didn't fight back.
You gave me what you thought I wanted from the likes of you.
You ran away with your tail between your legs when it came back on you.
I am sorry that I tried so hard to make the fairy tale real.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for not sealing the deal.
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
Isn't it funny how far I have come.
If you would have told me the details
I would try to prove you wrong.
I know that I said I wanted to be with you
I wasn't prepared for what that would entail.
I was naive full of insane aparitions.
The wedding would be lovely and lavish.
Our nights would be passionate and never ending.
Our children would go to the finest schools.
We would die hand in hand.
Years went by and I never waivered in my plight.
I deserve a nobel prize for all the faith I put in you.
The moment of truth came upon me as I went in for the attack.
To tell the truth, I wasn't suprised when you didn't fight back.
You gave me what you thought I wanted from the likes of you.
You ran away with your tail between your legs when it came back on you.
I am sorry that I tried so hard to make the fairy tale real.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for not sealing the deal.
You and Me Both.
You and me both.
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
Dig a hole deeper than you can imagine.
Bury the memories of you and me.
What was will never be again.
You will not look to me for solace anymore.
And I won't answer your phone calls at 3 AM.
Who cares that I wore your band of faith?
Who cares that your kiss made my mind spin?
Who cares that you cried when I walked out on you?
Who cares? You and me both.
Find those letters I wrote you when we first met.
Tear them up and forget what I said.
It is possible I didn't mean any part of them.
Those impossible desires have long past their shelf life.
And I don't burn candles for you anymore.
Who hurts when the truth is uncovered?
Who hurts when the love is not returned?
Who hurts when fears of abandon come to be?
Who hurts? You and me both.
When you get chills down your spine when you see me hide.
The truth is deep and hiden in my smile.
What am I supposed to act like anyway?
I would be leading you on by being glad to see you.
This won't matter to me in 10 minutes anyway.
Who lies to cover up the regret of what they did?
Who lies when they want the other to come back crawling?
Who lies to themselve so they can rest at night?
Who lies?
Me. with out you.
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
Dig a hole deeper than you can imagine.
Bury the memories of you and me.
What was will never be again.
You will not look to me for solace anymore.
And I won't answer your phone calls at 3 AM.
Who cares that I wore your band of faith?
Who cares that your kiss made my mind spin?
Who cares that you cried when I walked out on you?
Who cares? You and me both.
Find those letters I wrote you when we first met.
Tear them up and forget what I said.
It is possible I didn't mean any part of them.
Those impossible desires have long past their shelf life.
And I don't burn candles for you anymore.
Who hurts when the truth is uncovered?
Who hurts when the love is not returned?
Who hurts when fears of abandon come to be?
Who hurts? You and me both.
When you get chills down your spine when you see me hide.
The truth is deep and hiden in my smile.
What am I supposed to act like anyway?
I would be leading you on by being glad to see you.
This won't matter to me in 10 minutes anyway.
Who lies to cover up the regret of what they did?
Who lies when they want the other to come back crawling?
Who lies to themselve so they can rest at night?
Who lies?
Me. with out you.
It Is
It is.
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
I run away
it's my old standby way
to not deal with you
I close the door
lock it tight behind me
never wanting to know
never knowing if you were behind it
I took my cues
did what I thougt was right
I played the part well
The girl who did as directed
I didn't wonder
Was this a mistake
Should I have fought for what was rightfully mine?
Does it matter anymore?
The sinking in my stomach
The lump in my throat
It is for you
Always for you
And you leave anyway
Just like you always had.
My words come out like a suicide letter
dripping with heartache
wanting to reach out
I give a false impression
I am not destroyed by you
Quite the opposite
Very much the opposite.
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
I run away
it's my old standby way
to not deal with you
I close the door
lock it tight behind me
never wanting to know
never knowing if you were behind it
I took my cues
did what I thougt was right
I played the part well
The girl who did as directed
I didn't wonder
Was this a mistake
Should I have fought for what was rightfully mine?
Does it matter anymore?
The sinking in my stomach
The lump in my throat
It is for you
Always for you
And you leave anyway
Just like you always had.
My words come out like a suicide letter
dripping with heartache
wanting to reach out
I give a false impression
I am not destroyed by you
Quite the opposite
Very much the opposite.
And Here I am
And here I am.
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
When I woke up this morning I didn't see the alarm clock
I could hear it ringing regardless.
The first drag of my cigarette felt so empty
I drank my coffee and watched the news and all I saw was you.
I saw the curve of your elbow placed around my waist.
I saw your chest rise and fall with every breath you took.
I saw your face on the pillow next to me.
I saw you and it felt amazing.
I know it is just an illusion.
You are as far away as you have always been.
For some reason today I could almost feel you
I fell for you all over again.
Days will pass
This feeling is going to fade.
My laughter will be more genuine in time.
I will not be this pathetic girl for much longer.
You will come back again.
My life will be turned upside down again.
I will take you back for the last time.
I will prove stronger than you, if only in theory.
I think I finally understand your views on me.
I get it now and I am going to play along.
I hope you know that I know what the story is.
You should know that I will wait.
You can't accept losing me.
What will happen if you do?
I am too proud to wait for you forever.
You are too proud to tell you want me to.
We go around in a dizzying motion.
We say things we both might regret.
Trapped together in this life time.
Reliving our torture one day at a time.
I may have to be the first to tell you.
Why not, I always do all the work.
I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life.
Do with that, what you may.
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
When I woke up this morning I didn't see the alarm clock
I could hear it ringing regardless.
The first drag of my cigarette felt so empty
I drank my coffee and watched the news and all I saw was you.
I saw the curve of your elbow placed around my waist.
I saw your chest rise and fall with every breath you took.
I saw your face on the pillow next to me.
I saw you and it felt amazing.
I know it is just an illusion.
You are as far away as you have always been.
For some reason today I could almost feel you
I fell for you all over again.
Days will pass
This feeling is going to fade.
My laughter will be more genuine in time.
I will not be this pathetic girl for much longer.
You will come back again.
My life will be turned upside down again.
I will take you back for the last time.
I will prove stronger than you, if only in theory.
I think I finally understand your views on me.
I get it now and I am going to play along.
I hope you know that I know what the story is.
You should know that I will wait.
You can't accept losing me.
What will happen if you do?
I am too proud to wait for you forever.
You are too proud to tell you want me to.
We go around in a dizzying motion.
We say things we both might regret.
Trapped together in this life time.
Reliving our torture one day at a time.
I may have to be the first to tell you.
Why not, I always do all the work.
I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life.
Do with that, what you may.
Damn You
Damn you
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
To you
I wish I could be less up front with how I feel.
I wish I didn't constantly search for reassurance from you.
I wish I didn't want to know if you wanted me
I wish I could be blase about you
But I can not.
I can't help it.
I am sorry.
I am
You know the power you hold over me.
You know that I am powerless against it
You know that you love how I flock to your whims
You know it
Damn you.
Why can't you tell me that you want me
Why can't you be the one to find me
Why can't you just be honest
Why can't you actually love me
Why?
Because you can't
And you won't
And I wont leave
and you know it.
Damn you.
Damn
You.
A Poem by Sarah McKeever Hitt
To you
I wish I could be less up front with how I feel.
I wish I didn't constantly search for reassurance from you.
I wish I didn't want to know if you wanted me
I wish I could be blase about you
But I can not.
I can't help it.
I am sorry.
I am
You know the power you hold over me.
You know that I am powerless against it
You know that you love how I flock to your whims
You know it
Damn you.
Why can't you tell me that you want me
Why can't you be the one to find me
Why can't you just be honest
Why can't you actually love me
Why?
Because you can't
And you won't
And I wont leave
and you know it.
Damn you.
Damn
You.
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